“A part of me wants to keep my eyes closed and pull the covers over my head.
A part of me wants to stay right where I am and wants no one to jostle me and push me forward.
A part of me wants to tell the world I have been hurt too many times to move ahead,
a part of me wants to justify how my pain has left me frozen, petrified and unable to let go.
A part of me is so afraid to look at what is hurting me that it would rather escape than face it.
A part of me is so afraid to open my eyes because the very nature of waking up is to be aware, to be accountable, to be responsible for the healing of my life, and know I will need to take on the task of loving myself until full”
This powerful quote has been supporting me for the past couple of months as the quiet waters of my intimate relationship encountered tough storms and a strong turbulence. I am at a point where I am faced with the painful truth of what is.
A very challenging time for my soul, as I experience many moments of grief and sadness, finding myself no longer trying to correct the problem between us, fix it or make it work like I used to do before. But rather I find myself staring at the situation with eyes wide open, grieving for what is and of what this relationship could have actually been. not knowing where this is leading to, actually not knowing anything right now.
I have not imagined that it would come to this, but here I am and this is actually happening. Emotions such as fear of how to live my life from here emerge from time to time, questions such as how on earth do I start all over again? is there any chance of making it okay again? or am i about to loose this battle?
Thoughts keep me awake at nights, visions and dreams rise as spewing steam from my rumbling volcano.
All I can do is be fully with whatever I am experiencing, allowing myself to feel deeply the pain in my heart, the tightness in my throat, the knot in my stomach and my shaky knees.
I stay with these sensations all the way through - lovingly, compassionately, gently - allowing them to deepen, evolve and finally express and find space.
In these challenging times I am extra soft with myself - I take care of my sleep, nutrition and movement. Yoga and meditation are a daily practice, I make it a priority to connect to people and situations that nurture and support me, receive many loving hugs, dance my pain, my joy and my confusion and connect to my heart's desire.
With so much going on during the dark night of my soul, I can sometimes hear a little voice inside of me whisper “You know that whatever happens you will be ok, you know that when you flow with your heart the whole universe opens up and smiles at you. You know you have always followed your dreams and nothing has stopped you. You know you are loved and supported and you will find a way through, and you know that the only way to pure joy and happiness is to follow your heart. Your life, little one, is waiting for you to live it fully”…
If my words are stirring something in your belly and you would like to experience what it is to be authentic, to feel your emotions and sensations and be true to yourself, please join one of our mindfulness retreats and email me. I'd love to have a chat, answer your questions or happily take your booking.
♥ click here for our relaxing & spiritual yoga and diving retreat in Bali, October 2017
Mindfulness, scuba diving, dance & temples artfully weaved in your yoga vacation north Bali
♥ click here for an ecologic & exciting Philippines yoga and diving retreat May 2018
Island hopping, scuba diving, mindful living and pure being in one of the world's best islands
May you stay connected with your body sensations and love them fully,